I am a wholly happy person, if I but let it be.
Despite years of self-reflection and a measure of insight into my isms, shortcomings and character defects there is still no guarantee that on a daily basis I will cope with life on life's terms. I can still find myself expecting emotional stability and an unflustered approach to any and all situations 24/7/365; at best I still feel the pangs of envy, anger and want; at my worst the slightest bend in the road will seem like a mental free fall.
Like most people, I want to feel good all the time, even though I know that's just not possible. Tough times, bad breaks and heartfelt sadness, not to mention loneliness, fear and depression are facts of life. Everybody experiences these situations and emotions to some extent at some point. No one is exempt - rich or poor, homeless or Harvard - no matter how stoic and emotionally stable, at some point life happens and our inner peace is shattered.
The difference, I have found, is what people (I) do with those emotions. I can wallow in my stuff and think of all the reasons why life is unfair, bitch and cry, pout, etc., all of which I have done more often than I care to admit. Today, I recognize the Fuck Its, the Whatevers and the Poor Mes, though I'll admit some days its easier than others.
Sometimes it's physical; low biorhythms, sun deprivation (a real issue in Northern Europe) and PMS (a real issue no matter what my ex-husband says) can play crucial roles in emotional sobriety. Sometimes it's mental as in righteous indignation and a why-me attitude toward life's perceived pitfalls. Like when my princess crown slips a little to the right, I start thinking I deserve to be happy and shouldn't have any to contend with anything more taxing than worn taps on my spikes.
Well, a woman I know recently talked about wanting what she got rather than getting what she wanted - a slight twist on the old adage about wanting what you already have - which really resonated with me.
The truth is, if we (I) didn't have the ups and downs of life, if everything was as I think it should be, I'm pretty sure I would shortchange myself in the wonderful department. The bottom line is I may not be altogether the best judge of what's good for me.
I have trouble being objective about my life, and my focus can narrow to instant gratification via avenues like retail therapy and forbidden fruit. Rather than allow life to unfold as it will, I will do one of three things: a) compartmentalize my emotions into tiny, little boxes of rationalizations; b) shut myself within the confines of insecurity and doubt by totally ignoring the situation or c) allow my emotions to run amok. Whichever way, I'm demanding that life conform to something that isn't right, isn't real or just plain isn't good for me.
So note to self, because I still need the reminder, I will want what I got and not worry about what I'm getting. Life is good, if I just let it be.
Sent from my iPad
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